Rant #607: Lucky Seven (Billion)

First off, happy Halloween.

Second, congratulations to the St. Louis Cardinals for winning the World Series.

Now, we can get to the meatier stuff on the menu.

Today, our world is supposed to welcome its seven billionth member. The United Nations is calculating that today is the day.

I don't know how this is calculated, but supposedly, 51 babies are born every minute in the world.

I don't have statistics about how many people die each minute--and thus, are replaced by the newbies--but through some mathematical calculation, we are supposed to reach the seven billion mark today.

And if you thought that most of those people were protesting at events like Occupy Wall Street, that isn't true.

The continent of Asia supplies us with more than half of our world population, with 4.2 billion people living there.

That is so even with our Octomom, who has contributed, what, 14 kids to the equation.

Just who will be the seven millionth citizen of this planet?

I guess it is hard to calculate. Every kid born today will have a chance to be permanently impaled with that achievement.

How would you like the burden of being the seven billionth person on the planet?

Seven is normally a lucky number, but seven billion ... I just don't know.

More babies are born per year than people die, so I don't think the seven billion mark will last that long. So somewhere down the line, we will hit eight billion, then nine billion, and then 10 billion.

It will happen.

Where we are going to put all these people is beyond me. Maybe if we get the space program going again, some of them can populate the moon.

But wherever we put them, it's inevitable. The population is growing and there is little or nothing we can do about it.

Remember the idea of Zero Population Growth? Basically, a man and woman simply replacing themselves down the line with two children, and that's it.

Well, that appears to be a pipe dream. People will have as many kids as they want, and then some.

So move over, make room. Number eight billion is probably just around the corner.

Rant #606: Pre-Spook Halloween

I know Halloween is on Monday, and I will have a Rant that day, but since so many adults will celebrate this occasion during the weekend--Monday is, after all, a work day--I figured I would talk about it today.

Halloween just isn't what it used to be.

I remember Halloween as a kids' day, but the holiday has been co-opted by what we used to call "The Establishment." It is now a holiday for adults, and not really for kids anymore.

Adults dress up, have Halloween parties, and act like the kids they were decades before.

Children dress up, have parties, and barely go trick or treating anymore.

What a shame.

My childhood, as I have said many times, was spent in a wonderful--and equally frustrating--place called Rochdale Village, in South Jamaica, Queens, New York.

The place had five sections, a total of 20 buildings, each building with three sections (A, B, C), 13 stories apiece, and about seven apartments on every floor.

Thousands of families lived there, so Halloween was simply the greatest holiday that there was.

We would go from building to building, section to section, apartment to apartment, and get our candy, money, and whatever else people threw in our bags.

We used to get bags and bags and bags of stuff.

It was simply incredible how those bags filled up like they did.

The bags had to be checked, of course, and my mother used to sit down with my sister and myself to go through the contents.

I remember one year, my sister got an apple with pins in it. We knew exactly where the apple came from--an elderly woman in our building--but in those days, you really didn't do much about it. You just knew not to visit that apartment again the next year.

And since I have never really been a candy eater, I gave all my candy to my sister. My sister has a sweet tooth, and believe me, between the Halloween candy I gave her, and the baseball card gum I gave her, is it any wonder that she has had problems with her teeth as an adult?

But Halloween was simply heaven to kids living in my development.

Heck, with all the pennies I got, if I could have kept them all, I could probably buy a slice of pizza today.

But all kidding aside, how can a Halloween like this compare with Halloween today?

It can't. It simply can't.

And that is why Halloween today is a far cry from what I--and probably many of you--celebrated way back when.

I wish it could be the same way today, but it can't.

Today, I basically look at Halloween as a nuisance.

We decorate our home, and put out candy for the kids, but hardly anybody visits.

And since Halloween is on a school night this year, I expect even fewer kids to be out.

So happy Halloween, but don't tell me that the holiday in 2011 is the same as it was in 1967.

It isn't the same thing, no matter where you grew up.

It just isn't.

Rant #605: Happy Birthday, Ralph

Ralph Kiner is 89 today.

It is hard to believe that the youthful Kiner is nearing 90, but I guess we all get older.

If you are a Pittsburgh Pirates fan, you know of Kiner's exploits on the baseball field.

As the 2011 season nears its end, Kiner continues to stand as one of the most feared sluggers in the history of the game.

But to New Yorkers, and especially Mets fans, Kiner is something else entirely.

When the fledgling franchise began operations in 1962, Kiner was the third voice hired to guide fans through the pitfalls--and pratfalls--of the expansion team.

Along with Lindsey Nelson and Bob Murphy, Kiner made their first season--40 wins, 120 losses--at least somewhat palatable.

And he stayed with the Mets through the lean years and the good years, back to the lean years of today.

He was with them when they won the championship in 1969 and 1986, and he is still with them.

With Nelson and Murphy long gone, Kiner has been a broadcaster with the Mets for nearly 50 years.

And with that, we come to Kiner's Korner.

This was the long-time postgame show that Kiner hosted after Mets games, then on Channel 9.

The only way I can describe it is that it was sort of "The Twilight Zone" mashing up with a normal sports report.

And although that sounds bizarre, and it was bizarre, it worked.

Guests, usually the star of the game, would appear on the show. In fact, they considered it a badge of honor to appear on the show.

Kiner would often forget who he was interviewing, or would garble their names.

He often forgot the score of the game that was just broadcast, and when he gave the out of town scores, he often messed up who won and who lost.

He often garbled ad copy that he had to read.

And the cheesey set that the show used didn't help either.

It was surreal, but it was highly watchable, even for this dyed-in-the-wool Yankees fan. I tried to never miss it.

Most of the shows are reportedly gone, as most shows of this nature simply weren't thought to be anything that anybody would care about years later. How wrong that is! I would love to see some of the old shows again.

Kiner has slowed down some in later years. He suffers from Bell's Palsy, which greatly impacted his speech. He doesn't hold court at his Korner anymore, and he only occasionally joins those manning the booth, including former major leaguers Keith Hernandez and Ron Darling.

But he does appear during numerous games, and when he comes into the booth, you know that you are home. This guy knows baseball as well as anyone, and his Hall of Fame credentials notwithstanding, he is someone that you really have to stop and listen to. The insight he gives on baseball is really second to none. He knows what he is talking about.

When Kiner, Murphy and Nelson manned the Mets' booth, the were part of the heyday of New York baseball on television and radio. With the Yankees, you had their classic team of Phil Rizzuto, Bill White and Frank Messer.

Through these broadcast teams, you not only found out what was happening on the field, but off the field too, like what Rizzuto was going to have for dinner, or whose birthday it was.

It was heaven. Either you loved these guys or you hated them. I happened to love them. They looked at baseball as what it was--a kids' game played by grown men--and they went with it, full steam ahead.

So happy birthday, Ralph. Even though I am a Yankees fan, I always look forward to hearing what you have to say.

Rant #604: Nudey Booty

Reports are that Lindsay Lohan will be appearing in a photo spread for Playboy.

She was paid between $750,000 and $1 million for this photo spread.

Her representatives are denying that it is for a nude spread, but heck, you don't pay that type of money to see any woman with her clothes on in this magazine.

We all know that Lohan has had numerous problems with the law, flaunts authority, and thinks she lives on a different planet than the rest of us.

Her family is no better. Her mother, Dina, also lives on another sphere, and her father, Michael, is a real piece of work himself, just being picked up for some type of domestic dispute with his ex-girlfriend.

The younger Lohan better get her money while she can. She is about the oldest-looking 25 year old that I have ever seen. And without the makeup, she probably looks about 40.

Hollywood has no patience for former starlets, and that is what Miss Lohan is becoming. With her numerous brushes with the law, she is headed for the dumpster, so the time is ripe now to get her into such a layout.

The way she is going, five years from now might be way too late.

And heck, the money ... I would pose nude for about a quarter of that, but who would want to see a 54-year old guy who has been around pose in the altogether?

I wouldn't even want to see that.

Do I want to see the issue that Lohan appears in?

No, not really. I haven't seen a Playboy magazine in ages. I had a subscription once, but let it lapse.

There are younger and prettier women than Lohan, women who have taken care of themselves and their lives much better than she has.

But then again, they are not Lindsay Lohan.

She has this allure that the press loves, a bad girl who you can't take your eyes off of.

She flaunts authority, which is something we all want to do, whether we admit to it or not.

And yes, she is pretty, with a terrific figure, and that helps. If she looked like Olive Oyl, no one would care.

So good luck to Lohan. Maybe this will put her on the straight and narrow, or help her pay her bills.

Rant #603: Slogan=Dollars?

You knew it would come to this.

A couple on Long Island is trying to get a trademark for the "Occupy Wall Street" slogan.

With it, they reportedly intend to place the slogan on various items that they can make a buck from, including T-shirts.

The couple claim all they want to do is "spread the word" about the protests.

Please, give me a break. Isn't this very thing just what the protesters are railing about?

Greed, that is what it is, and whether you agree with the protesters or not, that is what this move by the couple, from West Islip, is all about.

The are attempting to grab a brass ring while it is hot.

I guess they have a right to do this. Just about anything can be trademarked, but this slogan, in particular, is kind of a rant for people who are fed up with the financial ways of our society. Trademarking this slogan would run counter to their arguments, no matter what the people who want to trademark the slogan claim.

It's co-opting the movement.

Looking back, there is at least one other symbol of a "movement" that was similarly co-opting, and means very little today because of it.

Although he didn't create the peace symbol, Pablo Picasso popularized it in the late 1940s. By the mid 1960s, the peace symbol was everywhere, and it was adopted by the younger generation. It came to symbolize the need to end the Vietnam War.

Today, you find the symbol everywhere, even on expensive jewelry. What does it mean today?

As singer Edwin Starr's immortal words in his song "War," "Absolutely nothing."

I mean, "Occupy Wall Street" is not a smiley face.

Whether the trademark goes through is another thing, but can't you just see 20 years from now someone carrying a Gucci bag with the words "Occupy Wall Street" emblazoned on it in sparkling letters?

Oh, what a sight that would be!

Rant #602: Comedy Just Isn't Funny Anymore

As Friday was Friday, Saturday and Sunday were Saturday and Sunday for myself and my family.

Nothing with nothing.

So my wife decided to rent a few movies from the local Redbox machine.

How bad can the movies be for a dollar apiece? Even if they were awful, for a dollar, you can take a chance.

Well, we saw two stinkers, we sure did, and it addresses a problem that I have seen recently with comedy.

Comedy isn't funny anymore.

Maybe the times have passed me by, but I simply do not laugh at today's comedies, whether big screen or small screen.

I just don't find them funny.

I guess all the scatalogical references, all the sex references, and all the drug/drunk references turn me off too much.

I love to laugh as much as the other guy, and believe me, I am far from being a prude, but the constant pounding of comedies with these "jokes" and situations, well, it just isn't funny.

Take the first movie we saw, "Zookeeper."

Look, I wasn't expecting "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" here, but I expected something more from Kevin James, since his show, "The King of Queens," was probably the last TV show I really laughed out loud at.

Here, James plays the usual schlemeil, the guy who is in total self doubt about himself and the girl that he needs is right there in front of him.

Animals who can speak is so old already. I used to laugh at Goliath in "Davy and Goliath," and the dog in "The People's Choice" was pretty funny, but in 2011, this is so old hat as to be not funny.

And it wasn't in this movie. Not at all.

Then we have "Bridesmaids," starring comely Kristen Wiig.

Here we have a film about female bonding, in a way, revolving around a wedding party supporting the matrimonial vows of a best friend--or is the girl still a best friend?

This film was marketed as a comedy, a raunchy one at that, but it really isn't.

It isn't funny at all, and it has more dramatic tension than humorous scenes--or scenes meant to be humorous--anyway.

And it isn't funny, unless you like scenes of vomiting, elimination, and constant use of four-letter words.

I don't know, I don't find this stuff funny at all. For the two films, I probably laughed twice.

(I should have known--one of the stars of "Bridesmaids" is the star of the lamentable "Mike and Molly" TV show that I recently railed about.)

Funny, but in between films, my wife and I watched reruns of "The Dick Van Dyke Show" on TV Land.

Yes, I know the shows are cut to shreds on this station, but they leave in enough so that you can still laugh out loud, and marvel at the cleverness of these shows from the early to mid 1960s.

Ironically, they ran a show this weekend that I think addresses why I don't find current comedy that funny.

One show we saw had Rob Petrie (Dick Van Dyke) meet up with an old codger that was once his boss. He was Rob's comedy mentor, and Rob offered him a job working for him as one of the writers on "The Alan Brady Show."

When he begins to work with the other writers, he can't come up with a good gag if his life depended on it. He is from the old school (or what was the old school back in 1962 or so).

It isn't working out, and Rob has to let the old man go--but not before tapping into his brain, where he develops, using the old man's ideas, a sketch about--

Comedy not being funny anymore.

And the sketch was a riot!

So even back then, some people found the current comedy scene in 1962 far inferior to earlier times.

Now that is funny.

Today's movies and TV shows go for the lowest laugh, and the laughs simply are not there.

I don't know if it has to do with the lack of talent of the writers and the performers, or that now that everything is permissive, there isn't that much creativity anymore.

But I simply don't laugh at today's offerings. I find them offensive, vulgar, and every other adjective that fits with the term "unfunny."

I am still looking for something new to laugh at.

And I am just not finding it.

And that, to me, is no laughing matter.

Rant #601: Just Another Friday

Hello, it's Friday.

It's just another Friday. Another cruel dictator is dead, and Lindsay Lohan is in trouble with the law again.

Ho hum, just another Friday.

Unlike the "Manic Monday" that the Bangles once sung about, today appears to be just another Friday.

What do you think is the greatest "Friday" song ever?

Could it be "Friday On My Mind" by the Easybeats?

How about "Friday's Child" by Nancy Sinatra?

Maybe "Friday I'm In Love" by the Cure?

Or does it even have to have the word "Friday" in the song title to qualify?

If not, how about "Bang the Drum" by Todd Rundgren?

It could be any one of those, but I do like "Friday On My Mind." It has that hook that doesn't go away from your mind too quickly.

But that being said, it's just another Friday.

Didn't that crazy preacher Harold Camping say that today would be the day the world ended? I know he has said this before about other days, but didn't he recently say it about today? And where is Mr. Camping now that we need him?

Personally, this has been a long work week for me, my first full week back at work after my recent vacation. I was at work last week, but I only worked four days, taking off Columbus Day, so this is really my first full week back. It has been difficult getting back in the saddle, but I am there, and not looking back.

And like the old Loverboy song, I am always "Working For the Weekend." I don't care if my family and I don't do much of anything on Saturday and Sunday. Even sitting around doing nothing at home is always better than sitting around and doing something at work.

I name dropped a lot of songs here, but somehow, songs do define the moment.

And yes, I do have "Friday on My Mind," because it's "Almost Saturday Night," as John Fogerty has told us for years and years.

And I can't wait.