Rant #441: Lindsay! Lindsay! Lindsay!

Here we go again.

Lindsay Lohan will be charged with felony grand theft in connection with a $2,500 necklace that was removed from a jewelry store.

Evidently, on Jan. 22, a necklace was borrowed for Lohan by her assistant, but her assistant--or Lohan herself--was late in returning it. It is supposedly a one-of-a-kind piece of jewelry, making the lateness even more of a big deal.

Although the necklace reportedly has since been returned, the actress will be arraigned later today. She has agreed to turn herself in to avoid the paparazzi.

If convicted, this would be a clear violation of her probation, and she could get up to two years in the slammer, although experts state that this cold be whittled down to three to six months.

Incredible.

It is clear that we are seeing a starlet self destruct right before our eyes. It is kind of sad, but she has had numerous chances to redeem herself--including her latest probation--and she seems to explode right when you think that things are possibly looking up for her.

No one wishes ill will on her, but hey, she brings this type of behavior onto herself, doesn't she?

She--and for that matter, her entire family--believe they live in a different world from the rest of us. They believe that because of Lindsay's stardom, they deserve certain life perks that "normal" people don't get.

Well, if the escapades of Lindsay haven't brought them down to earth, then nothing will.

This is a girl whose life is completely out of control. She probably needs a mental institution more than a jail cell.

But the media uses her as a "toy" for their own exploitation, because she is young, good looking, has a nice figure, and because she is so "out there" with her behavior.

Look at the photo of her that I posted with this rant. I guess I am not immune to the lure of this pretty, um, demented, young lass.

I guess us "normal" people love to hear about her exploits.

But in this most recent episode, couldn't she have afforded to simply buy the necklace rather than pilfer it?

You might say yes, but she has been known to "adopt" things as her own.

There was an incident about two or three years back where she went to a club and took someone's jacket and refused to give it back. That made some headlines, but of course, it was covered over in the "I thought it was mine" defense.

I wonder what her defense will be this time?

"I am a stupid human being."

Nah, I doubt it, I really do.

She will paint herself as the victim, as she always does.

My question: Has she ever heard of the story about the boy who cried wolf? He did it so many times that when he really was being truthful, no one believed him.

Well, I think Ms. Lohan has reached that point, don't you?

Rant #440: Tura! Tura! Tura!

Tura Satana died the other day. She was between 72 and 75 years of age.

You say, "Who the heck is Tura Satana?"

I reply, "Russ Meyer," and that is all that really needs to be said.

Tura Satana was one of the early Russ Meyer girls, which meant she was tall, buxom, beautiful, mysterious, and dominant.

In the Russ Meyer classic, "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!," Satana played Varla, the leader of a trio of equally buxom car-driving vixens.

Varla kills a young man with her bare hands. That is pretty much all you need to know about her character. And she does it with the usual maximum Meyer cleavage shots.

Although the low-budget film played in skanky grindhouses and adult theaters, it eventually made a bundle of money.

It was also extremely influential. Quentin Tarantino and John Waters have both been influenced by the film, and Waters called it something to the effect of "the greatest film ever made, and the greatest film ever to be made."

And Satana literally stood out in this film, much like the Statue of Liberty stands out in New York Harbor.

Only a bit more sexy, with lots of cleavage.

(See the video below. I think you will agree with that summation.)

Satana had roles in more mainstream fare, such as TV shows "The Man From U.N.C.L.E." and "Burke's Law," but nobody remembers those, except the obituary writers and photo archivists who pretty much used a shot of her in a scene from "U.N.C.L.E." in most obituaries I saw.

Well, I doubt they had any shots of her from her Russ Meyer film, although let's be honest about it, that is why she got her obituary, isn't it?

I used a shot of her in all her glory with this rant. She deserves to be shown at the top of her game, and we deserve to see such a shot.

Long live Tura, even in death.

Rant #439: The Streak Is Over

On Super Bowl Sunday, my son and I took in an NBA game at Madison Square Garden between the New York Knicks and the Philadelphia 76ers.

My son had never been in person when the Knicks won. Over the past three seasons, he had been 0-5.

And we had seen some of the worst basketball possible, too. These weren't just losses, they were abominations.

I also had a streak. I had not been in person when the Knicks won since 1985! That's 25 years!

Well, guess what? THE KNICKS WON! 117-103.

Yes, the streak is over, over and done with.

Maybe my son and I have started a new streak--the Knicks never lose when we are in attendance.

We won't know that until next season, because after attending three games--opening night, a game against the Hawks, and this game, all in nose-bleed seats--I am tapped out, and we won't be going to any more games this season.

But finally we got a win.

Yes, I had a good feeling about this game from the start.

On the way into the Garden via the Long Island Railroad, I told my son I had a good feeling, and that the Knicks were going to win.

I guess I had ESP, because for once, I was right.

Amare Stoudemire had a huge game, with 41 points, and rookie Landry Field scored 25. Raymond Felton had 13 points and 13 assists. It was a real team game.

And the Garden was hopping.

When the Knicks are playing well, the Garden is about the loudest place on earth.

The fans were into the game, chanting and yelling and screaming the entire game.

There were lots of kids in attendance due to the early (12 noon) start, so the energy level was high, and the Knicks, for once, did not disappoint.

I don't know where the Knicks are going this year--hopefully to the playoffs, but beyond the first round, I really don't know--but at least for one game, they brought a high energy level to their home arena, and my son and I didn't see a flop like we normally do.

Take that, Super Bowl.

In fact, when we came home, and concurrent with the Super Bowl, MSG Network replayed the Knicks game--and I watched it again!

Now that is real sports entertainment, isn't it?

Let's go Knicks!

Rant #438: Super Ho Hum

On Sunday, the world will be treated to another Super Bowl.

Ho hum.

I really am not a football fan. I find it to be the most over-rated of all the sports.

People complain about baseball being all talk and no action, but let's face it, football is worse--much worse. And nothing demonstrates this better than the Super Bowl.

The hype that surrounds this game is enormous. Media outlets from around the world cover this as if if was a religious experience.

Most of what they cover is talk, talk, talk. All hype and not substance.

Advertisers pay big bucks to have their products hawked on this worldwide telecast.

And like I said, to some, this is a religious experience that no church can duplicate.

People are paying minimum $2,500 to watch this game in person in Dallas, and believe it or not, people are paying that amount to secure a spot just outside the stadium to watch the game on TV.

I kid you not.

I heard a doctor talking yesterday on TV saying that there are more heart attacks during the Super Bowl than any other yearly event.

But let's face it, most people who watch this game have absolutely no interest in the game of football itself. There are so many pools surrounding this game that it is truly something if you aren't in one. I, proudly, am not.

People bet, bet, and bet some more to try to win money related to this game.

To me, that makes the game a spectacle, not a sporting event.

But let the media have its way. If they want to call football "America's Game," let them.

It isn't America's pastime though. We all know that is baseball, the best sport around, the only sport that gets coverage 12 month/365 days a year, is truly "America's Game."

Right in the middle of winter, the back page of all the New York papers today has nothing to do with football.

Andy Pettitte of the Yankees is supposedly announcing his retirement today.

Now, that is big news.

The Super Bowl is nothing compared to this announcement.

What will I be doing on Sunday? I won't be watching the Super Bowl, that's for sure.

In fact, during the day--when the televised hype begins on TV at 9 a.m. in the morning--I will be attending a Knicks game at Madison Square Garden.

They are in the heat of the playoff race, and they are playing the team right behind them, the 76ers, in the second game of a back-to-back series.

Now to me, that's real sports, not the hype of the Super Bowl.

And when I get home, I guarantee that the Super Bowl won't be on my viewing list for the evening.

So watch the game, enjoy it as much as you can, but all I know is that ...

Pitchers and catchers report next week to spring training.

Now that is really important!

Rant #437: Heart To Heart

Hey guys, Valentine's Day is right around the corner.

It's Monday, February 14, so it is just 11 days away.

What better way to warm your lady's heart during this horrid winter than to get her something on this very important day?

Don't forget Valentine's Day, because if you do, your lady won't ever let you forget about it again!

I personally don't mind Valentine's Day a bit. In fact, I not only buy something for my wife, but I usually give my son and daughter something too, and sometimes I give to my parents too (this year I intended to do this with my parents, I did buy my father something a while ago, but it is too good, and I will hold it for his birthday).

Why not? I love them all.

Of course, the love you have between yourself and your spouse is a different type of love, a love which helped you to create your little ones.

So you have to go the extra mile for your spouse.

I am not much of a flower person, although I have bought my wife flowers in the past. About three years ago, I bought her satin flowers, and we still display them in the living room.

This year, I bought her a watch. This is something she really needs, because all of her watches have died. Everyone needs to know the time in an instant, so a watch was the perfect gift for her.

And I am not blowing anything, because she knows what I bought her. In fact, she was in the store with me when I bought it, although she didn't see the one I eventually purchased.

I still have to get the requisite cards, but other than that, I guess I am OK with Valentine's Day this year.

I remember that as a young kid, I would hear my mother lament to my father that he didn't recognize Valentine's Day--he didn't get her anything, because he claimed it was a Christian holiday.

But in recent years, the "St." of St. Valentine's Day has been dropped, and the card companies have made it known that it is an American holiday rather than a religious one.

So for the past number of years or so, my father has acquiesced, and gotten my mother a nice card and some type of gift each Valentine's Day.

It's funny, but the heart that is pushed to us as being the heart of love isn't really that. A real human heart doesn't have that type of shape.

The heart that we know as the heart of love actually more closely resembles a human rear end than anything else.

No, I am not implying anything, although you can read into it anything that you want.

So there you have it.

Valentine's Day is in 11 days.

Just don't forget it.

Rant #436: Back to the Mat

In the midst of the most horrible winter I can imagine--with piles of snow now pelted by a rain and an ice storm that began yesterday and has stretched into this morning--I took my son to see WWE Wrestling last night.

This has become an at least twice yearly occurrence for my son and myself. We go when it comes to us locally, which means the Nassau Coliseum in Uniondale, N.Y.

Last night, we saw Smackdown, NXT and one match for WWE Superstars. NXT already aired online, while Superstars will air on WGN on Thursday and Smackdown will be televised on SyFy on Friday.

What happened really wasn't that important--lots of talk and false bravado, and not that much action--but it still amazes me that this stuff sells so well to the general public.

The Coliseum seats about 16,000 or 17,000 for pro wrestling, and I would said that the place probably had about 13,000 there last night. Some sections were covered up, as those seats probably weren't needed because they weren't sold. But the rest was full, and I mean packed.

And this is on a school night, in the middle of winter, in the middle of an ice storm.

It's important to mention that this was a school night, because it is completely incredible how many kids are there, taken by their parents to see people fighting other people.

In our section alone--which was, as usual, the nosebleed section--there were dozens of kids, ranging in ages from about two or three up to my son's age, 15.

Their parents take them to these matches, and I am not just talking about dads. Plenty of moms go, too, and for that matter, there are plenty of moms and young women and girls that attend these things.

Way back when, when I used to go to Madison Square Garden to see the WWWF--what WWE was called in the 1960s and 1970s when it was more a regional group than they are now--it was mostly boys, young men and older gentlemen who attended. Very few young ladies were there, and not too many older ones either, except for the ladies with the hatpins, who sat all the way down and would torture the bad guys with their pins (I always wondered if WWWF actually employed these women, one for every city, just to keep things interesting).

Well, the hatpin ladies went the way of the eight-track cassette when the AIDS epidemic hit, but more to the point, professional wrestling has become a family night out. It really is the sports equivalent to the circus, with one ring instead of three.

There are the clowns, the more serious performers, and beautiful women to keep you going.

And it is fun, although for me, I have been watching wrestling since I am about seven years of age, so whether you are talking about Bruno Sammartino or John Cena, it really is repetitive to a fault.

But the crowd had a good time, my son (battling a horrible cold that I think he got from me) had a good time, and the best thing is that on a school night, we were both in bed before 11 p.m.

You can't beat that--and my son can sleep a little longer this morning, because he has a delayed school opening due to the ice storm.

Wow, to be a kid today ... you just can't beat it!

Kudos to WWE--they know how to put on a good show, no matter what is happening outside the arena.

Rant #435: Another Death To Report

This seems to be a time for people that we kind of know, but don't know well, to go on to their final reward.

Film composer John Barry, who composed the music for hundreds of films, died on Sunday.

You say you know his name, but you can't connect him with anything?

Well, here is one piece of work of his that you certainly know:



Yes, he was the composer of the James Bond Theme, and he actually scored a dozen of the Bond movies.

He also wrote the scores for a multitude of other popular films, including for "Born Free," "Midnight Cowboy," "The Lion In Winter," and "Dances With Wolves." He won two Academy Awards for "Born Free," one for best score and one for best song. He also won Oscars for his scores for "The Lion In Winter," "Out of Africa," and "Dances With Wolves."

Barry scored an incredible amount of films. Including these award winners, he also did several stinkers, including the score for "Howard the Duck," a film I kind of liked that really, really tanked.

He also recorded a number of albums on his own, or with the John Barry Orchestra.

But he is forever known as the composer of the James Bond Theme, which will be used again and again and again, every time a new Bond movie comes out.

This guy was prolific, to say the least.

He passed away at his home on Long Island. I didn't even know he lived in my neck of the woods.

Incredibly, none of the actors who portrayed James Bond in the legitimate Bond movies (not the original "Casino Royale," for instance) have gone on to the great beyond. But when they do, I am sure Barry will be at the gate waiting for them.

And I'll bet he'll say, "Shaken, not stirred," as he hands them a drink as the Bond theme plays in the background.