Rant #558: Just Friends

Bert and Ernie are just friends.

So says the Sesame Workshop, which oversees the TV show "Sesame Street."

"Bert and Ernie are good friends," the group said in a statement. "They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves ... they remain puppets and do not have a sexual orientation."

So there, take that, you imbeciles who want to corrupt everything you see to fulfill your personal agendas.

The creator of the petition to have Bert and Ernie wed is seeking matrimony for the "Sesame Street" chums as a way to make gay and lesbian kids who watch the show feel better about themselves, and to promote tolerance for this lifestyle.

Boy, is this whole thing misguided, to say the least.

You don't take cartoon characters and give them attributes they were never meant to have. You have real, human role models do that, not made up ones.

It is ridiculous, but this situation wasn't the first related to this issue.

For years, rumors have flown that Batman and Robin share more between themselves than just the Batmobile.

And there have been stinks with other made-up characters, including those on SpongeBob SquarePants.

It is incredible what people can see when they want to see something. They see things that simply aren't there.

And this is the problem with sexualizing cartoon characters.

Unless this attribute was put in by the creators of the character, then it isn't there.

From my comic collecting and reading days in my childhood, I seem to remember that the then-modern day Flash, whose alter-ego was Barry Allen, was one of the first superheroes to be married, and for a while at least, it was integral to the plot. Allen was constantly nagged by his wife when he had to go out and perform his duties. She wanted him to quit and return to being a normal husband.

Thus, the creators of the characters gave their creation some sexuality. We assume that he is heterosexual, although that is not really part of the plot, and he is married.

As a young reader, I don't think I really thought about this matter one way or another or at all. I just liked the Flash and his ability to outrun anything on earth.

Sure, I am starting to get clinical here, but that is exactly what those dummies behind the Bert and Ernie thing are doing too. They are giving puppets human characteristics.

But again, they are puppets.

They are not heterosexual, they are not homosexual, they are not sexual at all.

And let's leave it at that. Please.

Rant #557: Leave Bert and Ernie Alone

In this politically correct world we live in, nothing is sacred. People can't live well enough alone because it isn't the "right" thing to do in their minds.

Such is the latest case where people have completely lost their vision, striving to use children's characters to further their own political gain.

Hence, the recent movement to have the characters Bert and Ernie get married on "Sesame Street."

Yes, due to the recent nod to the acceptance of gay marriage--and in particular, the legality of gay marriage in New York State--there are some people who believe that no icon should be left unturned by this acceptance, no matter what medium one is talking about.

And that includes those on the ground-breaking children's TV show which has delighted--and educated--generations of viewers since 1969.

Bert and Ernie are among the central characters of the show. Sure, they have lived together for 42 years, but their relationship seems to be more like "The Odd Couple" than anything else. Felix Unger and Oscar Madison, not anything else.

And their very characters are based on Bud Abbott and Lou Costello to begin with.

But some people believe that to push forward gay marriage, such characters must show their "true" side and get with the times.

And they have set up a Facebook page for that very purpose, trying to start a petition to present to producers to get this thing onto the air.

What a load of hogwash!

I have stated my stand on gay marriage in the past, and I won't do so again here, because it serves no purpose.

But to have children's characters support an adult agenda is ridiculous.

These are puppets. They aren't real, but in kids' eyes, they are icons.

But does a six year old think about his or her sexuality? Does a six year old think about such characters' sexuality?

Do they even know what that means?

The move to get Bert and Ernie married simply sexualizes characters who really don't have such thoughts.

They are puppets. They don't really exist.

The tandem of Bert and Ernie is not Ellen Degeneres, who came out on her TV series, nor are they all of the celebrities who have come out of the closet in recent years.

They are kids' characters, not people, nothing more.

It is this type of thinking about Bert and Ernie that turns so many people off of gay rights.

It's beating people over the head with your beliefs, and it is wrong, wrong, wrong.

Leave kids' stuff alone. If you want to further gay rights, make stronger anti-discrimination laws, laws that will fully integrate gays into our society.

Don't legislate Bert and Ernie. And don't sexualize them.

Rant #556: They're Not Coming To Your Town

The Monkees have called it quits.

Although their current 45th Anniversary Tour was quite successful both here and in Europe, Davy Jones, Peter Tork and Micky Dolenz (less forever holdout Michael Nesmith) abruptly cancelled the remaining dates of the tour.

No reason was given, although speculation abounds about just why they shut everything down.

There were rumors early on in the tour that the threesome were not getting along. That being put aside, the tour went through Europe and the U.S. without any reported incidents.

But yesterday, the whole thing fell through, amid press reports of continued strife, the scheduling of concert dates without the group's approval, and even possible substance abuse problems for Dolenz that needed to be addressed.

"I am writing to confirm that the Monkees tour has been cancelled for reasons that I cannot discuss at this time," Tork said on his Facebook page. "I can only say that it has to do with business matters. I sincerely regret that it is not possible to continue this wonderful tour. I especially regret the inconvenience to those of you whose plans have been disrupted."

Facebook also dropped the Monkees' tour page yesterday.

That still leaves fans in the abyss. What really happened?

The tour appeared to be a success by any stretch of the imagination. I read reports that the recent Hollywood Bowl show drew 80 percent of capacity, an extremely good showing for an act well past its prime.

And except for a couple of blips here and there, the Monkees were selling to high ticket capacities at most of the venues that they played.

Reviews of the tour were generally good, and in Europe, the tour was actually a very big deal.

There was talk of the possibility of new recordings, and during a summer where high-profile concerts were few and far between, the Monkees tour was a standout.

It always comes down to dollars, and I have a feeling that they may have decided that the dates after the initial dates weren't paying them enough. These later dates were not planned for initially, and were added on when the tour picked up steam. In fact, they were going to visit the NYCB Theater at Westbury for a second time on Aug. 26 after having been there in June.

I saw the June show, and they appeared to be in top-notch form.

About the substance abuse reports, it is highly possible. The threesome have had their past personal battles with drugs and alcohol, so you really can't discount the possibility that this might be true.

However, Dolenz's representatives have completely denied that the health of the singer scuttled the tour. They blame the scheduling of dates without the group's approval as the culprit.

Odd, very odd indeed.

If that was the case, why all the secrecy yesterday? And why did they allow this to happen under their noses? It isn't like these extra dates were just scheduled. They've been out there for months.

There is something fishy here, don't you agree?

I believe that this tour date snafu gave them an "out" to a situation that they felt they couldn't get out of without a valid reason. There were probably lots of other things going on, but the one thing that they could agree upon was this scheduling problem, so they bowed out.

Whatever the reason, right now, the Monkees' tour is dead, as are the Monkees.

And it's too bad. But I feel the worst for those who held tickets to the remaining shows.

Sure, they get their money back, but they leave the box office with a bad taste in their mouths.

And this may be it. The Monkees aren't getting any younger, and if they can't put whatever it is that derailed this tour behind them, then that is all there is, folks.

Sure, they will continue to have their solo careers, but you know how it is. They are worth much more together than they are as solo artists.

New Monkees reunion, anyone?

Rant #555: "Malph" Birthday

We celebrated icon Lucille Ball's birthday this weekend and in yesterday's entry, but today's birthday celebration is for someone who briefly was a TV icon, who had his 15 minutes of fame and then pretty much faded off the face of the earth.

Anyone growing up in the 1970s probably watched "Happy Days" at one time or another during the decade and into the early 1980s. The show, which began as a brief entry on "Love, American Style" and then graduated to full 30-minute sitcom status, was a 1970s view of what the 1950s were supposedly like.

It was the most popular sitcom of its time, and made major stars out of the actors who were on the show.

Although the show eventually got lost in its own time and place, it was supposed to be about the decade of Ike and Elvis ... and Richie, Potsie, the Fonz and Ralph Malph.

Ralph Malph was the character played by actor Donny Most on the show. Malph was probably the most believable of the main characters. He was the boy next door, with no great physical, mental or athletic attributes. He was never too sure of himself, and pretty much was the fourth wheel to the characters portrayed by Ron Howard, Anson Williams and Henry Winkler.

He told jokes, and told himself that he was a lady's man. But he was the least assured of the characters on the show, the way most of us are when we are teens.

His character didn't last the run of the show, as he was written out when Most wanted to pursue other ventures, although he did come back during the show's final season as a guest star.

Since his height of fame on "Happy Days," Most--most recently known as Don--has been in numerous lesser productions, has done some cartoon voices, and has been talking about doing a film based on the life of LSD guru Timothy Leary for years.

But Most, and his character, seem firmly rooted in the 1970s (or is it the 1950s?), and like several other former TV stars, to the public, he will always be his character. Most is Ralph Malph and there is pretty much nothing he can do about it.

But for the years of the show, he was one of TV's biggest stars, and his legacy can be seen in the "Happy Days" DVDs that are on the market now.

Better to have such a legacy than have none at all, I guess.

Happy birthday, Ralph ... err ... Donny ... Don.

Rant #554: We Still Love Lucy

I am feeling much better as we enter the work week. I don't know if I passed the kidney stone or not yet, but one thing that I know passed this weekend was the 100th birthday of America's favorite comedienne.

Lucille Ball would have turned 100 on Saturday, and a few of the cable networks, including Hallmark and Turner Classic Movies, honored her by showing "I Love Lucy" and her early films.

But honestly, that isn't enough.

This redhead--who, as you know, really wasn't, but kept that carrot top going for decades--revolutionized television situation comedies as the star of "I Love Lucy."

With her then-husband, Desi Arnaz as the guiding technical force of the show, the program broke ground in so many areas that it's hard to name them all. From how it was shot to the pregnancy episodes, this show broke ground as much as a ditch digger does.

And the focus was on Lucy, the henna-rinsed actress in a black and white sitcom.

Sitcoms were relatively new in the early 1950s, as was the entire television medium. Although Ball is given credit as the first real pratfalling female star, she really wasn't. Certainly, Ball took a page out of the manic, and completely forgotten career of comedienne Joan Davis.

Davis was tall and lanky like Lucy was, and she used this to the best of her ability in a number of 1940s comedies, including "Hold That Ghost" with Abbott and Costello.

The further link between Davis and Ball is that Davis' TV series, "I Married Joan," where she co-starred with the future Thurston Howell III, Jim Backus, went after the same type of audience as Ball's show did, and Davis was the comic centerpiece of the show, like Ball was.

The difference between "I Married Joan" and "I Love Lucy" is that the Lucy show had the best writers, the best technicians, and Arnaz, who knew what he wanted and got what he wanted.

But Davis--one of the more popular movie comediennes in the 1940s--deserves to be remembered as the movie comedienne who passed the mantle over to Ball, who generally was featured in light, more sophisticated comedies in her earlier Hollywood days, such as "Stage Door."

That being said, Ball took it and ran with it for the next few decades.

The key to "I Love Lucy" is that Ball--not really a comic before this show although she did appear in numerous comedies in her early career--learned to be a comic on the show, and she did pretty much whatever gag the writers wanted her to do, no matter how outlandish.

We know that she barked orders as much as she took them, but Ball completely put herself in the hands of her writers, and of course, in the hands of Arnaz, who probably knew what she needed to do as a comic more than he knew what she needed as his wife.

Television owes a major debt of gratitude to Ball, who set the pace for everyone from Carol Burnett to such later female TV stars as Roseanne Barr.

And just about every sitcom created since the early 1950s owes its existence to "I Love Lucy."

Ball appeared in three other sitcoms: "The Lucy Show," "Here's Lucy," and the lamented "Life With Lucy."

I watched all of them when they were originally on the air, and now they are all on DVD, except "Life With Lucy," which wasn't as bad as some people claimed that it was.

By that time, Ball was an elderly woman, and a woman of such an age doing pratfalls wasn't looked at too kindly by most people. Slapstick comedy wasn't in, sexual patter was starting to creep into what we watched and laughed at, and the show was looked at by many as old fashioned and out of date.

But she did what she did because she knew how to get a laugh, not like today's actors and actresses and writers, who don't know how to build to a laugh like she did.

Even though she died years ago, I would say she is still missed, as is Arnaz. They knew what they wanted on "I Love Lucy," got what they wanted, and the rest is history.

They were two of a kind, and there will never, ever be anyone else like them on network TV.

Rant #553: Pain, Then Questions

The continuing saga of my health, er, continues.

Now, after more than a week on vacation, and then a morning of horror on Tuesday, I went to the urologist yesterday afternoon to find out more about what probably happened to me that fateful morning.

To sum it all up, the results, thus far, are somewhat inconclusive.

It does appear that I had a kidney stone, or might still have a kidney stone, or might have passed part of the kidney stone. The doctor doesn't know just yet.

I was in some discomfort yesterday morning at work in the area where I would be having discomfort, without getting too graphic. I went to the bathroom a number of times, and according to the doctor, I could have passed the stone during that time, leading to the slight discomfort--it was never pain--that I had.

The stone was so small that it could have come out without me realizing it. Or it might have partially come out.

I was checked for that, and also had some other areas checked, and was given the OK to resume normal activities, which I had pretty much done already anyway.

The urologist scheduled an appointment for me for next Friday, and then he will run a series of tests to see if I am done with this thing.

I don't feel bad, but I am still not myself. My appetite is not there, and I feel bloated from all the medication I have been taking.

But I certainly don't feel as bad as I did on Tuesday morning.

I had a decent sleep last night, so I guess what I don't yet know won't hurt me, or at least won't hurt me as much as this little pebble I had inside of me--and still might have inside of me--did the other day.

The one thing it has done is forced me to look at myself, and although this might be famous last words, I have sworn off the snacking and the extended drinking of juice that I used to rely on during the day.

I am drinking lots of water. I probably will go back to my old habits eventually, but right now, I am trying to watch what I eat--and when I eat--a little more vigorously.

Let's see what happens.

Rant #552: Relaxation, Then Pain

Yes, I am back.

We had a great vacation. We went to Orlando and Daytona Beach, and did everything good tourists do.

We swam, went to the touristy attractions and restaurants, and had a fine old time doing it.

The drive wasn't bad--1,200 miles one way and I could have gone more--and I was full of vim and vigor the entire trip.

Then we got home.

On Monday night, I had terrible pains in my right side, and I was throwing up to beat the band. I was really sick to my stomach, and I was rushed to the emergency room of a local hospital ...

Where I was found to have kidney stones, or more precisely, a stone that is so small that it barely turned up on the MRI I had while there.

The doctor prescribed various medicines to me, and sent me home, saying that I would be able to pass the stone because it is so small.

Well, I am still waiting for that stone to pass ...

And I am in a bit of discomfort. Not pain, but discomfort.

Yeah, I am sure I don't have to describe where it will eventually make its exit.

I have to go to the urologist today, and hopefully, this thing will be over with soon.

What a way to end a vacation! I really know how to do it, don't I?

Now, I have to keep on telling myself the following, which should look pretty familiar to you:

"We had a great vacation. We went to Orlando and Daytona Beach, and did everything good tourists do.

We swam, went to the touristy attractions and restaurants, and had a fine old time doing it.

The drive wasn't bad--1,200 miles one way and I could have gone more--and I was full of vim and vigor the entire trip."

That trip seems so long ago now ...